Thursday, September 22, 2016

GCF: Welcome to California

 

From the GCF Archives

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GCF: Welcome to California

This was sent to me by a member of the Good Clean Fun mailing list.
He wrote it for his son and daughter-in-law when they moved to
California from the east coast. He indicated that there was talk
about checking his medication after they had read it. -Tom

WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA - FINANCING IS AVAILABLE

An introduction to the new resident to California.

GEOGRAPHY AND PEOPLE

Distance: Before you can understand the geography of California you
must understand how we measure distance. There are no miles in
California, only hours. Ask anyone in this state how far a place is
from where you are and they will give you the distance in hours, not
miles. To help new residents and Californians travelling to the east
coast, the Los Angeles Times periodically publishes tables for
converting hours to miles.

The state can be broken down into six distinct geographical areas:

Southern California - Southern California is the area bounded on the
south by Mexico, on the east by the Mojave Desert, on the west by the
Pacific Ocean, and extends to just north of Santa Barbara. The area
includes Los Angeles and San Diego. There is a common misconception
that people actually live in the
houses in Southern California. This is not true. Southern
California is actually the world's only moving condominium.

Central California - Central California is the sparsely populated
refugee center for Southern California that starts just north of
Santa Barbara and extends to just south of San Francisco. The area
is bounded on the west by the Pacific Ocean and the east by the Coast Range.

Northern California - Everything north of San Francisco. This is an
area populated by trees and people disguised as trees.

Central Valley - The largest valley in the United States. Bounded on
the north by Northern California, on the west by the Coast Range, on
the east by the Sierra Nevada Mountains, and on the south by the
capital city of Oklahoma (Bakersfield). Probably the richest farming
area in the world, the Central
Valley is the third most boring place in the country. Iowa and
Kansas had the first two places already taken.

Mojave Desert - This area lies east of Southern California and south
of the Sierra Nevada Mountains. It extends into Nevada, Arizona, and
Mexico. It is hot, dry, and inhospitable, but it is one of the great
wonders of California. I must correct one common myth. The Mojave
was not created by Charleton Heston for El Cid. It was created by
Monte Hall for Let's Make a Deal.

Sierra Nevada - Humungous mountains along our eastern border.

LANGUAGE AND NAMES

California was originally settled by the Spanish. Spanish and Indian
names are common in all of California.

Port Hueneme - Pronounced "wy nee mee" locally, it is pronounced "hew
en a ma" by easterners. The eastern pronunciation actually is very
close, since the word means "high colonic" in Spanish.

Point Mugu - Originally a home for near-sited explorers.

Camarillo - Pronounced "cam a ree yo". Currently the location of a
hospital for the criminally insane, the name means "say what?" in Spanish.

Los Angeles - Literally "the angels". The name is derived from a
local baseball team.

San Diego - This is actually a mispronunciation of the Spanish words
for a self-centered beach worshiper.

Ojai - Pronounced "o hi" This is the first place the Spanish
encountered local Indians.

Pismo Beach - Originally a convenience stop for the Spanish explorers.

Arroyo Grande - "Large creek" in Spanish. Named shortly after Pismo Beach.

Oceano - The "ocean" in Spanish. Named shortly after Arroyo Grande
(there were a lot of explorers).

Grover Beach - Settled by a guy named Grover who settled here knowing
all about Pismo Beach, Arroyo Grande, and Oceano.

San Francisco - Named for the patron saint of strange people.

WEATHER

California has four distinct seasons:
Summer - hot, earthquakes
Fall - wild fires, earthquakes
Winter - rains, earthquakes
Spring - mud slides, earthquakes

FOOD

California has almost every style of food, but Mexican food must be
explained. Mexican food has three types - real Mexican food only for
the purists, Mexican-American food for most of us, and Taco Bell for
the tourists. Real Mexican salsa has been produced in large
quantities recently since it has been found that it can be used as
both a food and a paint remover.

----------- Today's saying or thought -------------------------

To the people who leave their carts in the check-out line while running
to get an item they forgot: It's me who puts the extra items in there.

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*** Good Clean Fun ***
is brought to you by
Thomas S. Ellsworth
email: tellswor@kcbx.net

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